The Dualities of Man

 Wisdom of the elders

The struggles of youth

Preface:

These are just some of the lessons I have learned over the course of my life, not all of them have been learned the easy way. As a matter of fact most have been learned through a series of choices and consequences, and to say the least not all of them have been right. However, each choice and the resultant consequence have helped to make me the man I am today. My sincere hope is that as I put these words to the page, that should someone come across them they may gain a little of the wisdom I am trying to share with you.

The Elder Speaks:

There is a story I heard when I was much younger about  a young man who was struggling with self control. After much thought and consideration this young man eventually turned to the wisest person he knew. As he approached his elder he wondered within himself how exactly he should ask the questions that seemed to be the bane of his confusion.

When he came to the home of the elder he knocked and was bidden to enter. He approached the elder and asked if he could help him with his problem? The elder said "If I can I will, but first I must know the nature of the problem". The young man sat down at the old man's feet and asked "Grandfather, how do  I know if what I am doing is right or wrong?" The grandfather looked at the young man and asked "Do you understand  the difference between right and wrong." The young man said that he did, only, there were times he questioned the outcome of his actions. 

Grandfather asked "Do you understand what it means to have two natures?" The young man replied "I think so", but asked "why should he know such a thing?" Grandfather explained that understanding having two natures was knowing that he would have to make choices between one and the other. He went on to explain that these two natures were like wild animals who dwelt in is soul and would from time to time cause conflict within the young man.

The young man asked how this could be, and grandfather answered "One animal seeks only to destroy while the other seeks only to create." The young man now had another question that he was troubled with and asked "But grandfather how will I know which one will win." Grandfather's answer was another question, "Which one do you feed the most? Understanding which one gets the most attention would be the one that wins control of his life." Still perplexed the young man asked "Grandfather, how can I be sure I am feeding the right animal?" The answer to this question was "Grandson, if you feel better after you have made your decision then you are feeding the animal which seeks to create."

Stating the obvious:

I used to work in a treatment facility for drug addicted youth, during the time I worked there I would occasionally need to remind the young men and women in treatment that life was a series of choices and consequences. If they made the right choices then they would receive a positive reward, if not then the consequences could be hard for them to deal with. Each of us, like the grandson in the story are made up of two different sides to the same coin, and as such each must make up their minds which way they will go in their lives. The hardest thing we can do is understand that while we stay within our comfort zone we are safe. However, when we choose to step outside of that zone we enter a storm that can be tough to endure.

I am by no means perfect, and I know I will never be. But having traveled the same road as those teenagers I understood the pitfalls of drug use and addiction. 12 step programs can be helpful, but they are not a be all and end all for everyone. Belief in a Higher Power is necessary, but it is up to each person to determine what that higher power is in the beginning of their path to sobriety. 

For me, in the beginning my higher power was the doorknob. I went the way of the 12 steps, and it helped me. No, it was by no means easy. Doing the personal inventory and then sharing it was figuratively like stripping myself and being exposed to the world. 

As I said before this is not always the case for 12 step programs, there are people who have a strong support system available inside their family, and that is great; however, on occasion they may need someone who is a step or two removed from their family to talk to. Which is why it is important to find people who understand and are willing to listen without passing judgement, or talk about it with others.

Understanding that we are weak is a must. Figuring out what we can do to make ourselves stronger can be difficult, but it can be done. Seeking new activities such as attending church, working in the community, and getting involved in an outreach to others with similar problems are all good methods of strengthening your recovery. Over the past 16 years I have lost contact with those I came in contact with back then, and I hope their recovery has gone well for them.

While I worked in that facility I stayed clean and sober but I understood then, as I do now, that a relapse is always possible, mine happened after almost 10 years clean and lasted for at least 12 years. I no longer smoke either cigarettes (6 months and counting) or marijuana (slightly longer) and I haven't had a drink in over two and a half years. I am not bragging on myself, I have made it this long into this recovery period by the grace of God and the strength that He has imparted to me. 

The most difficult part of this for me was remembering a forgotten lesson, even though I had passed it on to the teens I worked with all those years ago it still slipped my mind. While they were undergoing treatment they were safe inside the facility. However, when they left they would be returning to the same area and people they had been hanging around who enabled them. To stay clean and sober it would be  essential for them to turn their backs on those supposed "friends" in search of others who would provide stability in their recovery. Welcome to the storm!

I have finally been able to do this, and have returned to the church I was once a member of and will soon be baptized into again. No, it has not been easy, but I have been able to feed the lamb that seeks to rebuild and create a new life for me. Thanks and praise be to God and my family who have supported me in my recovery. And to my friends who have understood what I am going through and accept me even when I am having a bad day. I am grateful to them all.

I understand that I am responsible for my relapse and every step I took up until it happened. But, do I miss those who enabled me? No I do not! And as I told the youth in treatment, once your feet are on solid ground in your recovery, share. Spreading what you have been through to those who are walking that same path of destruction can help not just you, it may also guide someone into their own recovery. Never forget where you have been and where you came from to get to where you are. To do so brings you one step closer to a relapse and the misery it causes. Recovering once is tough but if you suffer a relapse there are no guarantees that you will be able to enter into recovery again.

I have no numbers for the recidivism rate of relapsing addicts, but I know it happens frequently. When my relapse occurred I honestly could not see myself coming out the other side successfully. My recovery this time started organically, I contacted a church and requested an in-home meeting with the pastor. I took Bible studies and began reading the Bible again. I attend church when I can get a ride, and when I can't I watch religious programming on television. I pray and give thanks often, I know that without God I would not be where I am today. The reality is that had I continued down that road I could very well be dead, and unable to share this testimony. 

This is my story and none of them are exactly the same. Some end positively while others end in tragedy. Recovering once is tough, and speaking from experience, having to do it twice is exponentially more difficult. If you have never been where I have, count yourself lucky, if you have fallen victim to addiction, then please seek help. If you won't do it for yourself, then do it for your loved ones. There is always someone who cares!

Just something to think about. Peace

Afterthought!

This is the first in a series of testimonies that I hope will reach someone in need of the same help I received. While I have not always been an honest man the next few entries are accurate recounts of where I have been, leading to where I am now,  and hopefully where I will continue to grow. So please take these words to heart, and keep them in mind that if you are in need of help for an addiction, reach out to someone. If you are scared to do so leave a comment, maybe I can help. Good luck and God bless.

With love and hope. Peace